Flawed For Life, Perhaps
Posted: Sunday, October 23, 2011
by Joel Hendon
http://hebronics.org/index.html
Although I now have no regrets and no longer feel that I was inferior, even earlier in life, I spent years actually feeling that I was inferior to some extent. I had a rough beginning in life and it scarred me a little. I have mentioned this in an earlier article or two, but I was born 2 months prematurely, at home in a farm rental house. My mother had no prenatal care and for a period of time before my birth she had contracted a severe kidney infection. She became very ill, which caused my birth to occur. The doctor told her I would die, but with loving care from my sister, mother and step-grandmother, I lived. But regardless, such a beginning in a time when medical care was minimal, and even a balanced diet was not always available, can cause problems. I was an unhealthy kid for several years. My head remained larger in proportion to my small body until I grew quite a bit and caught up to it.
I thought that I was just a sickly boy with a big head. But when I was getting a few years older, one of the boys in the neighborhood told me of my premature birth after my mother had discussed it with his mother. He then teasingly told me that was the reason I had such a big head and that my legs had given me considerable trouble. That shocked me a little. Not too bad, and it did not anger me at my mother because she had not held back on the subject.
But it actually caused me to feel inferior. I still was not as strong as some of the boys my age and the first thing you know, I was becoming somewhat of a loner and not being nearly as happy as I had been. I often shudder to think what might have happened if that had gone on very long. When I was about 10 years old, my mother found that I had worms. I don’t know what kind but they were intestinal worms. The doctor prescribed me a regimen to rid me of those. It was successful and she then began to give me some thiamin tablets and mix me some chocolate milk. I had, heretofore, disliked milk and had a poor appetite. But, almost miraculously my appetite improved and I began to gain weight.
Needless to say, I suppose, I began to feel better and even look better. But the inferior feeling remained. About the time I turned 12 years old, I had learned to love whole milk and I had developed the appetite of a horse. I still weighed only about 70 pounds, but by the time I was about 13 or 13½ I had shot up to 5’7” tall and weighed 120 pounds. Suddenly I was bigger and stronger than at least some of the boys my age!
After that, my life changed somewhat. I began to feel much better about myself and could not identify any feeling of inferiority, but it appeared (and still does to some extent) that the earlier period of time left me with a somewhat embedded shyness. I have never felt comfortable in confrontation face to face with anyone. If someone disagrees with me harshly, the old inferior feeling again tries to invade my mind and I cannot easily counter with any success. I hate that, although it may have avoided bleeding from the nose on some occasions.
This early feeling may or may not have been caused the premature birth. There was another factor which may have influenced it. When I was very small and growing, one of my mother’s favorite methods of teaching me to be a good boy was to tell me to ‘just think what people would think of you if they found out.’ She must have been highly intelligent, because that worked charms with me. For some reason or another, what people thought of me was paramount in my mind. I wanted desperately for everyone to like me and to think of me as a good person.
Sometimes now, when I think back on some of the things that went through my mind then, I get a headache trying to analyze them. But it no longer concerns me, I honestly believe that the inferior feeling I had as a child, may have made a better man of me than I might have been. Not that I am such a prince now, but I do try and respect everyone I meet unless they give me reason not to. I am almost like an old friend of mine once told me that the only way anyone could make him angry, was to try to. That sounds like a small witticism, but actually it is quite profound.
I am at peace with myself now. I still prefer that people like me, but I have arrived at the point that I do not become suicidal if they don’t.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Nice honest article Joel. I too felt like you. I had a tough upbringing and for years I felt like I wasn't worth anything and that I was less or not good enough. Weak people make fun of that and nice people help you. I had help from a family member, a great/nice teacher and God. I do not feel less than anyone now but I do not feel better than anyone either. I have difficulties in life like everyone I guess, but Joel, hey, we both turned out okay!Thanks a lot Steve, I am glad to hear another was able to overcome some difficulties in their early life. I doubt that you can find anyone who has reached peace of mind any better than I have. And it is so wonderful when you reach the late evening of your life to be able to be content. My family was composed of wonderfully supportive people and my wife and children are also. That is worth a fortune, and God has graciousloy extended me the "peace that passeth understanding."
Joel,
How moving. How honest. Age brings wisdom and contentment and most definitely, "the peace that passeth understanding." I also liked Steve's remark that he no longer feels less than anyone nor does he feel better than anyone either. That is something everyone should strive to achieve.
Yes indeed and I believe Steve is a very honest man. thanks for reading and the kind comment.
Very interesting article about your life Joel, thanks for sharing.Thank you David. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts
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